Ganbatte Kudasai
A discussion with an acquintance is making me contemplating the validity of my corrent direction in life. She had caught me speaingk in Japanese to another, and to my suprise started to chat with me with possibly the most fluent Japanese to come out of a non-Japanese person that I have ever heard. Although studying computer science now, she had spent much of her time with Linguistics, and particularly that of Japanese. She had also spent time in Japan for graduate studies. However, she has given up all her accomplishments in her previous area of study. The reason was that in her heart, she feels that her accomplishments will never be acknowleged. No matter how much she loves it, no matter how hard she works, she will never bridge the social gap, and will have no chance to compete with native Japanese. That is why, she reasoned, computer science is useful. There is no cultural or social barriers to it, as long as one works hard, success is within grasp.
I can't imagine the frustrations and disappointments she must've had experienced, to have had worked so hard single-mindedly for one thing, and to give it up so completely, that is truely tragic. Did she make a wrong decision? She choose a path that she loved, and yet the choice didn't give her the same love in return. Life isn't a fairy tale after all, having faith means nothing in the face of harsh reality. To work at something one loves doesn't guarantee happiness and contentment.
Am I more fortunate then? To have choosen such a "fair" path to begin with. Up to now I have always treated Japanese as just another skill to have. I have always heard of the horror stories of the xenophobic nature of Japanese. Only now I had sat face to face with someone who had been scarred by it. To have abandoned someone's hopes and crushing someone's dreams so completely, I am filled with rage and contempt for the individuals and the society that are the cause of these misfortunes. Yet there is nothing I can do to change it. I am powerless to even make a difference in the person's life. The only thing I could offer, was in all irony, a "ganbatte kudasai". But words are just merely words, empty and lifeless.
Why am I studying Japanese? Everytime I hear the overly polite and scripted conversations, I am always reminded of some vaguely sinister intentions possibly buried underneath a mask of culture and social harmony. I look at the society's impressive social discipline and rich functional traditions, and it pains me. My fellow countrymen, who were born out of the same soil as I did, had forgotten about the richness of our own culture. Nothing remains of them except soul-less husks of tourist attractions and novelties. They had forgotten about our great thinkers, and have no unification of purpose. Without purpose, how can there be social discipline? I am by no means a Chinese nationalist. I have no blind loyalty to the country, and I can find no place for myself with my generation of natively-raised Chinese. That is however where my roots lie, and it is my responsibility to be a torch-bearer for what little of Chinese traditions I can carry. Why am I studying Japanese then? Is it solely for interest? Is that enough?
